Campsite dream

Dreams are funny. I mean, some make us wake up drenched in sweat and tears, as you see your entire self being exposed and dismantled before your eyes, but still, they are funny.

Amongst other things, they have this weird quality of being a portal. A portal that we don’t control. Some people think of them as premonitions of the unseen and yet to happen, others think of them as channel to the subconscious. Always a portal, nonetheless.

This dream that I’m about to share had the extra weird quality of feeling like a portal to both my subconscious and the yet to happen. It was also one of those dreams that you have difficulty understanding how they make you feel…Sad? Worried? Afraid? Hopefully? Happy?

I am walking down a trail through a dense forest. Feels quite dark, but I’m not cold nor concerned. I arrive at a family’s campsite. I can’t see any family member except one, a man. In fact, I can’t see him entirely. I only see his hand, as he places rocks perfectly aligned to create a path to the entry of the tent. He can’t see me. I can’t see anything else, but I feel like he has built the most perfect campsite. No weeds, no rock out of place, all perfectly positioned and its even decorated!

I turn away and walk back up the trail. It starts to become lighter and the trail turns into snow. At some point, I reach another campsite. This one in a wide open space packed with powder, inviting the sun to drape over the tent. I see nothing but a tent in the snow. And then I realize, it is actually my campsite.

For a second, I am confused about what I feel. It’s cold and it’s only me. I know I can make a fire if I want to and somehow I know it’s really warm inside, but I feel alone. And then the sun starts to shine upon it.

I hear footsteps of the family coming towards me. I think whether I’m embarrassed of my campsite - of its simplicity, of its wild nature - and if I should leave before they arrive.

I decide to stay. And then I wake up.

The action of sitting with myself, in that specific composition, got me thinking about it for weeks and weeks after the dream. My campsite was beautifully embedded within the elements, and it was gloriously standing tall in the sunlight. Nothing damp and dark, like a campsite in the winter in the forest would be. Despite being alone, I was able to see it for what it was. It was right. It was me. And I chose myself in that moment, even if alone.

I finally understood what self-love feels like. And just like the ‘other’ love… it is simple, wild and complicated.