The Great Breakup

A lot of information about relationships is being written and explored these days, not surprisingly, as we are arguably in what I would refer to as the great breakup era.

Many of us have been called to face and own our needs and consequently own our happiness from a lens of self. Many of us have started a process, willingly or not, of self-discovery about ourselves and others. Many of us see and feel grateful for what is being found along the way on this uncharted territory, even if resulting in painful breakups. Many of us experienced co-dependency and understand that it is a relational pattern that failed some and arguably no longer serves the modern romantic relationships.

Based on this, and for those on this journey, we are now trying to solve co-dependency with its perceived opposite - interdependency. I don't think this is the solution.

Firstly, focusing on being interdependent as the single solve, can easily evolve into becoming HYPER-independent. It is difficult to continuously draw a line between the two, especially if you are having to consistently analyze and correct behaviors. I've experienced this firsthand.

Secondly, maybe co-dependency is not the root cause of the issue, but a symptom. A result of the relationship not being the goal but people pretending it is.

It is a case of solving the wrong problem statement with the wrong tool.

I believe this great breakup phase results from a massive spiritual shift towards unconditional love and purpose, calling for relationships to become enablers. Not goals and certainly not purposes. Whether we like it to admit it or not.

In my view - and I'll accept that this is controversial - I can see the behavior of co-dependency working for people whose relationship is their purpose. You need a very deeply enmeshed connection to weather changes coming from evolution and growth, and yes, with all its hurts and pains. In this case, the source of your connection to your partner has to be one of deep emotional exchange and co-regulation because your life’s goal is THE relationship.

Answers are always found in paradoxes. The tricky part is finding the right question. Maybe the right question to ask here is:  is having a relationship really your purpose in life?  Tap into your core and answer truthfully.

If it is, own it. And be careful about over indexing on independence. Understand how you benefit from co-regulation and support. This is possible without toxicity. I truly believe this.

If your life’s purpose is not a relationship, try to find out what is and focus on that.

Focusing on purpose brings out everything unconditional, including unconditional love. If you love your purpose so much, others will love your purpose too. And if you can love your purpose, you can love someone else’s purpose equally and learn to show them love for who they are and how they are developing.

A relationship not being the purpose means it can breathe and expand freely. It is in service of creation; the creation here is what a purpose unlocks.

It does mean that it will require a different type of care—care that comes from equal and truthful unconditional love and curiosity about each other.

The questions to answer next then become the following:

Are you curious, beyond measure, for your partner's purpose or discovery of one? Do you want to learn everything about them and support them on their path? Are you attracted to (and never intimidated by) their expansion (and yes, it makes you hot for them!)?

In this type of relationship, the level of interest and care needs to be very equal. The enmeshment is created through a soul-purpose connection—I see you, and you see me. I’m curious about you every day, and you show me that you are curious about me every day, too.

I don’t think this is easy. It’s not easy to establish, as purposes need to be compatible to be symbiotic. There is still an exchange, which is not easy to develop as our love languages are expanding and not easy to maintain because you can become so self-centered in your own purpose that you fail to continue to be curious and nurture others' purposes

But I do think that this is the path ahead. After all, how else can we love if not at a soul level? And how else can souls connect if not through their ultimate purpose?

Connections and relationships will be established through this approach, whether you want them or not. No purpose is achieved without support and support… guess what—only comes from love.